2009

I do not feel like to tell you about 2009 as 2009 was the year which I has tried to dismember from any cells in my brain which stored the memories and the nightmares. Hell and wraths, these are the things I get from 2009. There was nothing pleasant about 2009 and I wish 2009 never will re-submerge in my life again; not in this life and the life thereafter. All the pains and the miseries, the despairs I have gone through and the anxiety that I have undertook nearly choked my life and as you can see, part of me has disintegrated, dilapidated and I feel like I am a walking testimony of feeling being crucified.

Yes, I am not worthy to carry the crucifix even at the session of the cross but can you feel my burden, can you feel the lash that hits my flesh and can you even have empathy for my soul? My soul has taken its toll and yet, I manage to heal myself throughout the time of being sad.

My words has never being the rule, they are merely scribbles at the vandalized tomb which you never notice. Have you given a thought and what your conscience told you about me? I am not living with aliases in the day and in the night. I am who I am and I am whom I aimed. Say nothing to me as this weakened body has felt everything life has thrown to it. I never ask for mercy nor submit to your demand. Leave me as I am and I shall render happiness in a way that known to me.

It probably will be the last thing a catholic church wants to hear from and I don’t feel that what I am going through is close as many stigmata as you have read before. But the pain is real and the bitterness of my soul in provoking hatred is here to stay.

I can feel the blood rushing through my head and I can feel the crown made from thorn

I can feel the sound of my bone breaking when I get attached to the crucifix by nails

I can feel the spear thrusting through my limb and my rib

I can feel the warm blood clogging on my linen

I can feel the guilt of the criminals

I can feel the ignorance of the human race;

You cannot feel what I feel, you are here only to witness my destruction and you are documenting my departure. Bid farewell and be joyful of my passing. I wish the pain of the passing and the fore coming karma will serve me better as I am the unwanted and I have being placed among those whom they believed unworthy to attend to.

Friends, I wish to tell you that the joy of spreading happiness has never side me. The least you can do at this very moment are

Give me a breathing space so that I can transform the fear of death into the joy of departure

Give me a fast death so that the pain of dying will not be part of the joyful departure

Give me no humiliation so that my passing wouldn’t be remembered

Give me no mutilation so that I depart as an entity known to you

Give me no fear as I am departing with animals that yearn for love and kindness

Give me no farewell as departure is temporary which is known to the less ignorant

The joy and happiness I once understood has fed away and I am here again wishing you nothing more than a small prayer to set your soul free from being entrapped by fears that made to be believed by many. You are living a superficial matrix which you choose to live.

Liberate yourself and follow me

Deliberately release the shackles you have locked yourself to

Berate injustice serve to yourself but never provoke

Delicate is the ideology we choose to yield

Anger has dispersed and I succumbed to damages and death as a passerby. Year 2009 has made me the victim which left me with nothing but a burnt mark in the diary of my life and the journal of my genealogy.

Emptiness is just a word; emptiness is more than just a feeling.