The Bella Tragedy

It is a dark night and laying here at the balcony, I feel suicidal and I feel the agony. I feel the pain and I feel the thrust of deadly immortal curse. Glance up above to the dark night and looking for the North Star, yet I cannot find it; I am stuck with this emotion. It is collision of two waves from two different oceans and the warm breeze intertwines with my conscience.

What is a dark night?

What is being alone here in my room being so depress?

What will happen tomorrow and what will happen to me the day after?

I have been sipping these alcohols and it does not make this pain go away easily. My breathing is getting slow, as slow and mellow as my life is now. Memories flashing back of those good times we have together. I wish there is another way I could take this bitterness other than to lie here helplessly and I wish I have a soul mate to tell me how to get over with this sickness. I am sick and I have not dare to admit I am sick for I believe in putting a show to convince others that I am alright.

As you have seen me, what have done for me? Are you going to add more thorns and hurt me more after going through this dilemma? Prayers; I guess I have grown accustomed to it as I have been talking to all angels and saints. Where am I? I saw the North Star now and it is bright and blinking among those heavenly universes. Now, I am wondering why I sought for North Star. What is with North Star and what in the name of blasphemy idols am I looking for it?

I wish it would bring me to away into beautiful matrices of dimension unseen, unfelt and unknown to human so that I can see myself in the future years. I wish, I hope and I pray, only to find myself digging into deeper despair. Am I cursed, have I sinned or have I been destined to be left alone.

I roll over the cold balcony, looking for my pack of cigarettes and damn, I cannot find my bloody lighter. In darkness, I fondle all over myself for that bloody lighter. Even a simple lighter is a great task for me. I hope it would be easier for me. I found that pink lighter and I light it up and inhale deeply. My body suddenly feels easy and my eyes close tight. I am trying to have my wondering soul back into my body. Where have my soul wondered before this and why am I allowing my soul to wonder far. The ash from the cigarette fallen on to my chin wake me up. In the cold night, I perspire heavily. I feel sorry for my body for taking all this beating and I feel my body been battered and bruised through time.

Love is painful and love is like a razor, it slit through my skin into my vein and I am nothing but a bloody carcass rotting in the darkness of the night. I love the night and I shall cast spell to keep this serene night longer and I hate sunshine. Sunshine, you are cruel. You are so cruel as you have witness this tragedy. Cupid, why did you apprehend me to the Beelzebub, the unholy beast that feasts on misery? Why did you forsake your loyal believer? Why did you lead me here and abandon me? I am indeed suffering of the coldest days in my life and I wish I am back to my warm house and showered with love. Why, why, why Almighty Father? Why did you forsake your child? I am that prodigal sheep, am I? If I am my Father, please pick me up and bring me home. I am too weak to walk again in the middle of the night through the thick forest where evils and beast have been haunting me. I am too hungry for love and I am too thirsty for wine made from fermented love and desire.

Regardless of what I have been shouting and screaming, I am still alone here in my room; at my balcony. I trusted love to bring me closer to you Father. Rabbi, you are my teacher and my mentor, why I am forsaken this way here. I throw the burnt out cigarette butt away. It fell down all the way 10 storeys down and, that remind me of being me now. I wish I could fall down and sway away at the moment I nearly hit the floor and die of impact with my burst lung and bloody skull by angels. Still, I am just being suicidal again.

I walk passed the half opened door to my bed and I can see images that have torn me apart. Diabolical spirits may posses me now as I am holding my pocket knife. The thought of being dead has actually filled my mind and I just want to get through this tragedy. I reach for the plastic flower which I usually love to have beside the Bible and the teddy bear which I always hug to sleep. Unnoticed, I stabbed my teddy bear yet this feeling is not getting any better. Please someone out there, my angels have forsaken me and taking lives of my teddy bears have not makes me any better. I hurt my palm again for holding the broken bowl which housed the fishes which we used to call by our names.

I slam my body onto the bed; peeping through the blanket I still see your images. Is there any portion which I can use similar to Holy Water to sprinkle around to diminish your evil image? You are taking me hostage and I feel very much like in the castle tower keep captive for years. I wish you can bring me to your dungeon and settle all my dues to set me free. Please set me free, even if I have to loose my life. I can loose my life but I cannot take it for another round of battering in your tower.

I can go through public humiliation
I can stand the pain of public torture
I can make it easy for any public execution

But having your image around and a simple leather lash, I guess I cannot take it any longer, please take my offer and my life in lieu of these sufferings that you have put me through.

I can feel my cold tears running down through my cheek and down to my palm as I pray so that Father can restore my exhausted soul. When will this journey will end, Abba? Abba, why am I left so alone?

I slowly stretch my body and lay down for a while and suddenly my hand banged the table. I can see the ceramics item rattled and the photo frame fell down. The picture of us and the shattered glass scattered on the floor. I will not be bothered and I suddenly I notice there is a bright light coming from the table.

The computer was not turn off. I make an effort to extend my arm and now my limb to move nearer to the computer to turn that machine off. I hate lights and I believe lights to guide me back home will never be here. I can wait for years to have my lucky comets to make another pass so that I could make a wish to have my life back.

In dizziness, I saw some red indicator at the bottom of the screen. I hate it! It remind me the past but I dared myself to click it. I walk among the broken glasses and I feel some pain, it is the broken glasses. There are 10 new updates, nothing much except for a name I am familiar.

He is..

He is my friend whom I have spoken for these couple of days and probably he understands me more than others. My best friends are far away and I wish they are here but I think I can settle with him.

He gave me strength but what is strength if he did feel the effort I made?

He said the right things but did he know me thoroughly?

He smiles in his photos but did he know how sad I am today?

He tried to walk me home but I am willing to go home as I wished?

He touches me in everywhere but is he very near to feel how I feel today?

Something somewhere and somehow, someone at the other side of the world is feeling me. Why is he in touch with my soul when I myself very hard to connect to my inner self. Who is he?
Abba, can you tell me who is he? Can he help me? Can I just put the whole things to him and see if he is the right person you have sent to rescue me from drowning in my own whirling pool of evil thoughts?

Please answer me Abba. You are my Father and You see thing others do not see. My eyes are getting heavy and I am worn off for being in this state of mind.