I hate the sunshine early in the morning and I hate the weekend. Class is going to be over soon and holiday is just around the corner. Everyone has their own plans. Renny and Claudy have their own summer plan which does include me in their summer vacation at by the beach. I am not sure why this time around I am not searching for anything fun in life. Yes, they are coming back but what does it mean? This is so different as I never hated anyone before but this time I hate meeting anyone especially those fags who always hang around with their toys. I hate manly toys and I hate seeing toys. I flip through the journal and scrap books where I placed all silly cut outs and edited photos of my life. Thinking about it, I am sick to have fun in life. I missed out a year of my life for no reason, I guess some good reason for what my passions are but will dada and mama ever understand this choice I have made?
Gosh, the door is locked all night. Here, I am imprisoning myself and my soul from any attachment in my real life. I pull the blackout blind and I love the darkness. Why am I seeking refuge in darkness as it is summer? I used to hate autumn and winter but now, I can associate the chilling winter and the windy autumn easily. Fuck this feeling, I am going to a bit stronger today. Perhaps, sucks!! It is Saturday evening; I am lazing around for no reason.
I admit that I procrastinated my daily routines these days because I am sick, so sick of being me. My name is Bella, and I am sick of my life and I hate my fore coming days. I wish to have my life back and the person who means to me so much back. I am taking all this crap shit for no fucking reason and why on earth I am still Bella when I do not look like Bella now. I gaze myself on this make up mirror and I see someone else who is similar to Bella but definitely she is not Bella.
Is she Marie, Jane or Fantasia? Sounded very much like Fantasize with Marijuana. I wish that Bella in the mirror is with Renee and Claudy running at the beach and chasing dreams. I remember the time when we just being ourselves. I remember the time we spend since we are kids and since we ever being this close. I know he stole me away somehow from you all but then will you need apology from me? I guess I am selfish not to apologize for the lame things I have done. I reach the phone and I think to myself, why we are best friends when I take time to remember back your number if I never would press the phone contact list? Why? Why? Why? I need you dearest Claudy and Renee here now.
Time and destiny has separated us dearest Claudy. I still not so sure why I am sitting among strangers everyday and being happy? Being in love is like drug, everything is beautiful and everything seems to be so nice. I hardly compute the people I hate and tabulate a category of group of people I hate. I miss the naughty talk we used to have 20 months ago Claudy. We have not the chance to do it and I guess it is not late to this again my dear friend. My thumb freezes from pressing your number because it would come to a surprise if you hear that I am missing old days we have. I think, I better skip this conversation until evening. I am much better charged for good conversation during the dark. As for now, I will have to check updates.
Urgh! Yeah something from that Papa and I wonder what is he after now. I wish I know what he up to everyday. My best friends are far and sometime it takes me some guts to tell them things but not with Papa. It is easier for me to tell him things as he is not here and he does not know me personally. I need someone to talk to me and being anonymous is very much preferred as I can be frank without being discovered. I move my fingers slowly and it hurts. It hurts from what I did last night; the crack from the fish bowl really hurts my fingers. I think by now I am numb from any possible pain. I just need to keep the reply short and I guess I will make myself look offline. Avoid all those typing and replying. These books, oh God; many assignments are still pending. I wish I am going to end this semester undeterred and maintain my course to achieve my targets. I am happy three weeks ago with the presentation I did but will I manage this time. God knows!
Gazing at the ceiling, for a million time; you bloody ceiling is taunting me with images of the past and you make submit to evilness and empowered by demons! I hate you, bloody ceiling. With that reference book in my hand, it is really hard to flip a page without a single curse and every page is filled with some scribbles. I hate those scribbles and I hate the sketches I did. It is ugly and fugly; definitely and ultimately a joke of my life for adoring something which is not mine anymore. Pain and love collided in that particular moment when you say the horrendous things I would ever imagine.
I flip couple of pages more and I slam those bloody text book. Why am I taking studies which actually cannot help me with myself at these hours? Will I ever be able to help other? People may rubbish me and brand me as text book girl but then who cares.
Hey! Papa drops me another note. Yeah funny! I typed and said I am laughing out loud and if he can see that I am not. Nah! He would care too but then it seems that he cares. Well, I should not be busy with that. How am I going to go through thing very long day? Mama called me a couple of time and Dada is quite worry with the way I am behaving lately. They know I am sad but they yet to know what kind of hell I am going through today and the days before. I will write anything my diary as I may not risking the possibilities of making the sorry for what I have lost and worrying me more than what they have been worrying now. I am mature lady but why am I surrendering when such images of evil appear? What is wrong with me?
It is Sunday tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to Church. Who is going to convince me that Abba will answer my prayer? Cristo, Christ, you name it, will He come to save me and purify me from all evil thought and revitalized my soul so that it will be strong to go through the days again?
I think it is wiser to read back what Papa has wrote to me but why should I be bothered? No one understands me more than I understand myself. Damn! Now I only notice that Claudy stick bubble gums under my table. I managed to curve a small smile on my face. I think I would be lucky today because I have just smile. Well, how would I be today?
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