The Bella Tragedy Part II

I hate the sunshine early in the morning and I hate the weekend. Class is going to be over soon and holiday is just around the corner. Everyone has their own plans. Renny and Claudy have their own summer plan which does include me in their summer vacation at by the beach. I am not sure why this time around I am not searching for anything fun in life. Yes, they are coming back but what does it mean? This is so different as I never hated anyone before but this time I hate meeting anyone especially those fags who always hang around with their toys. I hate manly toys and I hate seeing toys. I flip through the journal and scrap books where I placed all silly cut outs and edited photos of my life. Thinking about it, I am sick to have fun in life. I missed out a year of my life for no reason, I guess some good reason for what my passions are but will dada and mama ever understand this choice I have made?

Gosh, the door is locked all night. Here, I am imprisoning myself and my soul from any attachment in my real life. I pull the blackout blind and I love the darkness. Why am I seeking refuge in darkness as it is summer? I used to hate autumn and winter but now, I can associate the chilling winter and the windy autumn easily. Fuck this feeling, I am going to a bit stronger today. Perhaps, sucks!! It is Saturday evening; I am lazing around for no reason.

I admit that I procrastinated my daily routines these days because I am sick, so sick of being me. My name is Bella, and I am sick of my life and I hate my fore coming days. I wish to have my life back and the person who means to me so much back. I am taking all this crap shit for no fucking reason and why on earth I am still Bella when I do not look like Bella now. I gaze myself on this make up mirror and I see someone else who is similar to Bella but definitely she is not Bella.

Is she Marie, Jane or Fantasia? Sounded very much like Fantasize with Marijuana. I wish that Bella in the mirror is with Renee and Claudy running at the beach and chasing dreams. I remember the time when we just being ourselves. I remember the time we spend since we are kids and since we ever being this close. I know he stole me away somehow from you all but then will you need apology from me? I guess I am selfish not to apologize for the lame things I have done. I reach the phone and I think to myself, why we are best friends when I take time to remember back your number if I never would press the phone contact list? Why? Why? Why? I need you dearest Claudy and Renee here now.

Time and destiny has separated us dearest Claudy. I still not so sure why I am sitting among strangers everyday and being happy? Being in love is like drug, everything is beautiful and everything seems to be so nice. I hardly compute the people I hate and tabulate a category of group of people I hate. I miss the naughty talk we used to have 20 months ago Claudy. We have not the chance to do it and I guess it is not late to this again my dear friend. My thumb freezes from pressing your number because it would come to a surprise if you hear that I am missing old days we have. I think, I better skip this conversation until evening. I am much better charged for good conversation during the dark. As for now, I will have to check updates.

Urgh! Yeah something from that Papa and I wonder what is he after now. I wish I know what he up to everyday. My best friends are far and sometime it takes me some guts to tell them things but not with Papa. It is easier for me to tell him things as he is not here and he does not know me personally. I need someone to talk to me and being anonymous is very much preferred as I can be frank without being discovered. I move my fingers slowly and it hurts. It hurts from what I did last night; the crack from the fish bowl really hurts my fingers. I think by now I am numb from any possible pain. I just need to keep the reply short and I guess I will make myself look offline. Avoid all those typing and replying. These books, oh God; many assignments are still pending. I wish I am going to end this semester undeterred and maintain my course to achieve my targets. I am happy three weeks ago with the presentation I did but will I manage this time. God knows!

Gazing at the ceiling, for a million time; you bloody ceiling is taunting me with images of the past and you make submit to evilness and empowered by demons! I hate you, bloody ceiling. With that reference book in my hand, it is really hard to flip a page without a single curse and every page is filled with some scribbles. I hate those scribbles and I hate the sketches I did. It is ugly and fugly; definitely and ultimately a joke of my life for adoring something which is not mine anymore. Pain and love collided in that particular moment when you say the horrendous things I would ever imagine.

I flip couple of pages more and I slam those bloody text book. Why am I taking studies which actually cannot help me with myself at these hours? Will I ever be able to help other? People may rubbish me and brand me as text book girl but then who cares.

Hey! Papa drops me another note. Yeah funny! I typed and said I am laughing out loud and if he can see that I am not. Nah! He would care too but then it seems that he cares. Well, I should not be busy with that. How am I going to go through thing very long day? Mama called me a couple of time and Dada is quite worry with the way I am behaving lately. They know I am sad but they yet to know what kind of hell I am going through today and the days before. I will write anything my diary as I may not risking the possibilities of making the sorry for what I have lost and worrying me more than what they have been worrying now. I am mature lady but why am I surrendering when such images of evil appear? What is wrong with me?

It is Sunday tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to Church. Who is going to convince me that Abba will answer my prayer? Cristo, Christ, you name it, will He come to save me and purify me from all evil thought and revitalized my soul so that it will be strong to go through the days again?

I think it is wiser to read back what Papa has wrote to me but why should I be bothered? No one understands me more than I understand myself. Damn! Now I only notice that Claudy stick bubble gums under my table. I managed to curve a small smile on my face. I think I would be lucky today because I have just smile. Well, how would I be today?

The Bella Tragedy

It is a dark night and laying here at the balcony, I feel suicidal and I feel the agony. I feel the pain and I feel the thrust of deadly immortal curse. Glance up above to the dark night and looking for the North Star, yet I cannot find it; I am stuck with this emotion. It is collision of two waves from two different oceans and the warm breeze intertwines with my conscience.

What is a dark night?

What is being alone here in my room being so depress?

What will happen tomorrow and what will happen to me the day after?

I have been sipping these alcohols and it does not make this pain go away easily. My breathing is getting slow, as slow and mellow as my life is now. Memories flashing back of those good times we have together. I wish there is another way I could take this bitterness other than to lie here helplessly and I wish I have a soul mate to tell me how to get over with this sickness. I am sick and I have not dare to admit I am sick for I believe in putting a show to convince others that I am alright.

As you have seen me, what have done for me? Are you going to add more thorns and hurt me more after going through this dilemma? Prayers; I guess I have grown accustomed to it as I have been talking to all angels and saints. Where am I? I saw the North Star now and it is bright and blinking among those heavenly universes. Now, I am wondering why I sought for North Star. What is with North Star and what in the name of blasphemy idols am I looking for it?

I wish it would bring me to away into beautiful matrices of dimension unseen, unfelt and unknown to human so that I can see myself in the future years. I wish, I hope and I pray, only to find myself digging into deeper despair. Am I cursed, have I sinned or have I been destined to be left alone.

I roll over the cold balcony, looking for my pack of cigarettes and damn, I cannot find my bloody lighter. In darkness, I fondle all over myself for that bloody lighter. Even a simple lighter is a great task for me. I hope it would be easier for me. I found that pink lighter and I light it up and inhale deeply. My body suddenly feels easy and my eyes close tight. I am trying to have my wondering soul back into my body. Where have my soul wondered before this and why am I allowing my soul to wonder far. The ash from the cigarette fallen on to my chin wake me up. In the cold night, I perspire heavily. I feel sorry for my body for taking all this beating and I feel my body been battered and bruised through time.

Love is painful and love is like a razor, it slit through my skin into my vein and I am nothing but a bloody carcass rotting in the darkness of the night. I love the night and I shall cast spell to keep this serene night longer and I hate sunshine. Sunshine, you are cruel. You are so cruel as you have witness this tragedy. Cupid, why did you apprehend me to the Beelzebub, the unholy beast that feasts on misery? Why did you forsake your loyal believer? Why did you lead me here and abandon me? I am indeed suffering of the coldest days in my life and I wish I am back to my warm house and showered with love. Why, why, why Almighty Father? Why did you forsake your child? I am that prodigal sheep, am I? If I am my Father, please pick me up and bring me home. I am too weak to walk again in the middle of the night through the thick forest where evils and beast have been haunting me. I am too hungry for love and I am too thirsty for wine made from fermented love and desire.

Regardless of what I have been shouting and screaming, I am still alone here in my room; at my balcony. I trusted love to bring me closer to you Father. Rabbi, you are my teacher and my mentor, why I am forsaken this way here. I throw the burnt out cigarette butt away. It fell down all the way 10 storeys down and, that remind me of being me now. I wish I could fall down and sway away at the moment I nearly hit the floor and die of impact with my burst lung and bloody skull by angels. Still, I am just being suicidal again.

I walk passed the half opened door to my bed and I can see images that have torn me apart. Diabolical spirits may posses me now as I am holding my pocket knife. The thought of being dead has actually filled my mind and I just want to get through this tragedy. I reach for the plastic flower which I usually love to have beside the Bible and the teddy bear which I always hug to sleep. Unnoticed, I stabbed my teddy bear yet this feeling is not getting any better. Please someone out there, my angels have forsaken me and taking lives of my teddy bears have not makes me any better. I hurt my palm again for holding the broken bowl which housed the fishes which we used to call by our names.

I slam my body onto the bed; peeping through the blanket I still see your images. Is there any portion which I can use similar to Holy Water to sprinkle around to diminish your evil image? You are taking me hostage and I feel very much like in the castle tower keep captive for years. I wish you can bring me to your dungeon and settle all my dues to set me free. Please set me free, even if I have to loose my life. I can loose my life but I cannot take it for another round of battering in your tower.

I can go through public humiliation
I can stand the pain of public torture
I can make it easy for any public execution

But having your image around and a simple leather lash, I guess I cannot take it any longer, please take my offer and my life in lieu of these sufferings that you have put me through.

I can feel my cold tears running down through my cheek and down to my palm as I pray so that Father can restore my exhausted soul. When will this journey will end, Abba? Abba, why am I left so alone?

I slowly stretch my body and lay down for a while and suddenly my hand banged the table. I can see the ceramics item rattled and the photo frame fell down. The picture of us and the shattered glass scattered on the floor. I will not be bothered and I suddenly I notice there is a bright light coming from the table.

The computer was not turn off. I make an effort to extend my arm and now my limb to move nearer to the computer to turn that machine off. I hate lights and I believe lights to guide me back home will never be here. I can wait for years to have my lucky comets to make another pass so that I could make a wish to have my life back.

In dizziness, I saw some red indicator at the bottom of the screen. I hate it! It remind me the past but I dared myself to click it. I walk among the broken glasses and I feel some pain, it is the broken glasses. There are 10 new updates, nothing much except for a name I am familiar.

He is..

He is my friend whom I have spoken for these couple of days and probably he understands me more than others. My best friends are far away and I wish they are here but I think I can settle with him.

He gave me strength but what is strength if he did feel the effort I made?

He said the right things but did he know me thoroughly?

He smiles in his photos but did he know how sad I am today?

He tried to walk me home but I am willing to go home as I wished?

He touches me in everywhere but is he very near to feel how I feel today?

Something somewhere and somehow, someone at the other side of the world is feeling me. Why is he in touch with my soul when I myself very hard to connect to my inner self. Who is he?
Abba, can you tell me who is he? Can he help me? Can I just put the whole things to him and see if he is the right person you have sent to rescue me from drowning in my own whirling pool of evil thoughts?

Please answer me Abba. You are my Father and You see thing others do not see. My eyes are getting heavy and I am worn off for being in this state of mind.

The Soldier Love Letters

These are some of the Love Letter which I composed for fun but I was in the mood. Backtrack to http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=467860&post=7071020&uid=38473759174#topic_top

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

hmm both Ryan and Imp have forsaken me.... they jilted my feelings and now Im
No one loves me *sobs*

Me (Soldier)

Ohh dear..
I can tell you the star the moon the sea the monkey and the crabs but i cant.. you are too precious to be mine. 

My priority is the war dear.. The war against the Mayor.. i rather have you crying as you peeling off the petals and counting days when i would return than to see you cry and watch over my bodies for three nights. My soul cant take it when i see you sad....

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

Well my soul is sad now

Me (Soldier)

This is war my dear.. It is the darkest hours of our life.. the war would be over soon.. I cant promise you i could

Hug you as i lost my hands saving my commrades from shread mills
Kiss you as I lost my face disarming mines
Caress you as I lost my fingers to frostbites
Stroll with you by the beach as my Limb charging forward for the Nation
Piggyback you as i hurt my spine sleeping in the fox hole

One thing i promise you when the war is over.. my heart is yours forever, love me and keep me as who I am and never compare me to others as I have the biggest heart for my most beautiful darling of my life

Me (Soldier)

Dearest Soldier's Fiance,

Every letter i write to you maybe the last, i seal it with roses so that you cant smell the stain of this bloody war. I always keep the silliest wire ring you made for me at the port and if i die, bury me with that ring for i know, love is not expensive, the price of sacrifice is ultimately expensive.

I will go for the last mission for this week at 1400 Hour. I am posting this letter now and if i make it dear, i will send another one the moment i reach this bunker.
Love,

Soldier In Love

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Me (Soldier)

Dearest sugar-pop,

I hope you are fine. I made it for this particular mission but sadly i am broken inside. My body is hurt by those barbwires and bombs but nothing hurt me more than a photo of you torn off when i was nearly bayonetted by some crazy enemies.

I am going to have some coffee and biscuits hun and i surely do miss the pineapple pie you make me last summer.

Love,
Lovestrucked

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

Dearest Lovestrucked,

The pain I'd feel when your body is hurt and mind exhausted is no more less painful than the actual pain you're experiencing. The love I have for you has none diminished and I long to see you walk through that door with arms wide open lovingly beckoning me to you.

Forever waiting,
Undiminished love

Me (Soldier)

My dearest,

As a believer of our true love, i took my time to mesmerize all the things we have been through. The summer at the hill, running across the prairie, hugging you as we taking care of those lovely sheep and swimming our secret creek. This war seems to be worthless and it happen sooner than i thought.

As my heart beats awkwardly today, let me tell you something my dear. I have determined to make you my wife and I am scared i wouldnt able to whisper it to you at the Eiffel Tower. I hid a key at the oak tree where we use to dream of our future. They key of a small humble house which i choose to make it our home. I build a large farm behind it where i hope one day our kids can play. 

I want to grow old with you my dear. I hope this war will not cut short my dream to have you in my hand wasting our last bit of live together. In case I did not make it, please remember that you are always in my heart and your name it skin deep. Deeper than the tattoo in my chest bearing your name and your potrait.

I pray that faith will keep us together. I will come back and I will try to stay alive to be home, to swap you and swear i will never be departed from you again.

Love and Hugs, kisses and smooches!
your teddy at war

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

My angel, my all, my very self 
Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) 
Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon 
what a useless waste of time 
Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks
can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine 
Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be 
Love demands everything and that very justly 
Thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I 
My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager 
and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. 
Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four 
Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties 
Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life 
If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all 
Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be 

Your faithful

Me (Soldier)

Angel in the midst of the night,

It is late and i am at the cease fire zone. I feel safe. I feel blessed. I feel you. I feel Vee. I feel God. Thanks for the prayers and I know the angels around whom you sent are protecting me. I can feel the warm of my blood running down from my fresh wound, it never be even as painful as you yearning for me and me crying missing you.

God may keep us separated for these moments but trust me and have faith in angels and saints, they will reunite us back my dear. You may thought that i have joked when i call you angel. It is not me loosing names, it is just you purely an angel. 

I knew the time i spend courting you is worth it. I will be back and once again, we can dance in the rain and kiss. Yeah, your lips taste like the dew of the early morning and your eyes, i am speachless.

Wish i can shout your name out to release this unbearable yearning but i guess, it is this hand who do most of the talking.

My love, it is getting late and i know you will be reading this letter for a couple of time but then remember dear, i think of you a million time.

Love,
Puppy in love

Me (Soldier)

Dear,

A soldier have less than a minute to put all his thought in the day. I am thinking of you everyday, i feel you everyday and i smell you everyday. People say i am a crazy puppy in love and i speak different language. I dont speak different language dear, I speak the language of adoring you.

I cannot find any other more satisfying and time consuming art work or craft other than to think of you. Far at the horizon, my friends adore the sceneries, the rainbow, the sunset and the stars. I do not dear. At the horizon i see you in the wedding gown waiting for me.

What is beauty if it is not you wearing your smile?
What is art if it is not you walking toward me and kiss me?
What is language if you dont speak a word and make me understood?
What is life if you are not beside me?

dear, my flesh rots but soul is dead. what keep me alive is a hope to return to your embrace and tell you how much i love you and pleading for forgiveness if i ever did hurt you.

We are apart but my heart beats in the same rythm as yours. It says,"I love you".

The lonely soldier

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

You've captured my heart the moment you stole my breath away to sustain your beautiful writings.....

You've captured my soul when I read the first sentence that skipped my heartbeat

You've got me falling, deeper than any hole on this earth.

You've got me spinning in circles, swooning with just that sentence which says so much.

You've captured me. Wholly.

Me (Soldier)

Dearest,

I am not a poet, I write a language of us
I am not an artist, I paint the picture of our past
I am not a singer, I hum chants and prayers to keep you safe and warm
I am not an architect, I just want to build our dream

I am just a soldier, stuck in the theatre
I am the boy that you have seen back at town
I am the guy you date for years
I will be back and..
I am the man to shoulder your pain and burden everyday

I hope that the pledge you have whispered shall cast away my pain, shall sway away my loneliness and shall brighten my dull days for i will be surviving to get home once again to you arm and hoping for a chance for me once more; say

I am yours and I love you

Trusting Angels and Azimuthing by Faith

Me (Soldier)

Dear,

The night has nearly come to an end
My broken heart who will mend?

my language of a simple man
reminding you i am just plain
everynight my sould in vain
my thoughts of you put me in pain
tears falling down like rain
still, my shattered heart; who will mend?

Vee (Soldier's Fiance)

One fine day you will find a lass 
who will dry your tears and kiss the pain away
Mend your soul to be whole again
For now my love the dawn is calling
My eyes rest heavily with tears Ive cried in vain
So I bid you farewell and may angels bring you sweet dreams

Adieu my love

Lovingly Smitten

 

Me (Soldier)

my honey cupcake,

the dawn is here,
i am hoping she hear,
i am your teddy bear,
whispering love to your ear


your bear